NEW YORK — Wanna be a wise guy, but can't tell the difference between a capodecina and a consigliere?

Fuhgeddaboutit! "Tommy Tomatoes" has a few suggestions on his Web site for those in-tuh-rested in joining the Cosa Nostra.

A one-stop online reference and shopping center for aspiring mafiosi, Reputed Links to Organized Crime exposes what made guys don't want regular folks to know — that with a few well-executed hits, er, clicks, the mob "life" can become anyone's reality.

However, if following any of his cyber suggestions gets you whacked at a real-time sit-down, don't look to Tomatoes for answers.

"The site does say 'Reputed.' I'm actually a copywriter with an online advertising firm," Tomatoes revealed during a recent interview. But when pressed, getting his real identity was like trying to get out of a pair of cement shoes: "Just call me Tommy."

Spoken like a true wise guy.

According to Tomatoes, he toyed with the idea of a mob Web site back in 1995 at the start of the Internet bandwagon. "The Internet was pretty new. I noticed that every other profession — lawyers, doctors — they had resources on the Web. But there wasn't anything available for wise guys."

He waited another two years before constructing Reputed Links, a tongue-in-cheek "how to become a goodfella" site.

"I enjoy doing parodies and I wanted to do something fun. I thought, 'What type of information would you want or need if you were a wise guy or wanted to live the lifestyle? What type of cars do mobsters drive? What do they wear?'"

His Associates and the Mob Way of Life

Like a shrewd mob figure, Tomatoes takes care not to include any incriminating evidence on his site. The concept of the site is more about "recommended resources" than an actual primer on becoming a goodfella.

Rather than give details about what type of knife to use when doing a number on a body part — "You ever want to cut somebody into little pieces and stuff ‘em into a 55-gallon drum...but stubborn body parts just won’t come off?" — the site links the user to Absoluteknives.com, a Web site that sells knives. What type of knife users order or what they intend to do with it is their business.

Cugine? Capodecina? Need a mobster's dictionary? This site's got it.

"The whole beauty of the site are the blurbs that come with the links," Tomatoes said.

"Legit" businesses and services mentioned on the site come with witty insider references to the mob way of life: Staples (How organized crime keeps their crime organized); Cadillac (Plenty of trunk room for a body or two); Visa (Order yourself some credit cards with an assumed identity); Attyfind.com (Hire yourself a good consigliere and beat the RICO statutes).

RICO? Capo? Consigliere?

A quick way to unmask a wanna-be goodfella would be to administer a short quiz in mob-speak. An invaluable resource for any future "cugine," the site's Mob Glossary decodes the mysterious vocabulary of the Cosa Nostra. Mess up on the quiz and get "clipped."

But talking the talk, wearing a pinkie ring and dressing like a dapper don (tips for these are also featured on the site) are all for naught without a mob nickname. The Mob Nickname Generator takes care of this crucial element in the making of a made man. How does "Ghandi Mangler" sound? Intimidating, no?

Is He or Isn't He?

Still standing by his copywriter alter ego, Tomatoes insists that Reputed Links is a joke. "I don't want to be involved with the mob. I'm just a nice Jewish boy who lives in Manhattan and happens to enjoy humor," he says.

But people do and have taken the site seriously. Tomatoes discovered this when he added a guestbook a year after the site was published. He received messages from users who wanted to be "set up" or introduced to actual mob families; some users on his message boards claimed to be connected. These days visitors to the site use the message boards to organize themselves into virtual "crews." But he suspects that these are just teenagers with fantasies about organized crime.

"The mob has great mass appeal. People are interested in organized crime and the Mafia. Some want to be a part of an organization that they perceive to be noble," Tomatoes says.

Though he's never received any threats from the mob, Tomatoes admits that he prefers to be careful: "I tell my friends, 'If I don't show up for work one day, you won't have to guess what's happened to me.'"

More Caught on the Web