SAN DIEGO — Damon van Dam, whose daughter Danielle was murdered last February, weeps at the sight of photos of her bedroom. His wife, Brenda, still answers "three" when asked how many children she has and chokes up while describing Danielle’s baby blue pajamas.

So raw and so apparent is their grief that people in the courthouse where her alleged killer is now on trial step gingerly around the couple in the hallways as if an accidental bump might cause them to shatter completely.

But inside the courtroom where their neighbor David Westerfield is facing capital murder charges, there is no buffer zone. His defense so far consists mostly of attacking what Westerfield’s lawyer, Steven Feldman, terms the van Dams’ "lifestyle."

When first Damon and then Brenda took the witness stand last week to recount Danielle’s abduction from her bedroom, Feldman grilled them about their sex lives and drug use. Both admitted engaging in group sex in their suburban home and using pot on many occasions, including the night their daughter went missing. And both admitted to initially lying to police about their behavior.

Feldman

The lawyer’s persistent questions about the van Dams unconventional private life have infuriated the family’s supporters, but earned high marks for strategy from lawyers following the case. They say the risk of alienating jurors with distasteful questions about swinging and smoking pot is outweighed by the opportunity to raise reasonable doubt about who kidnapped the 7-year-old.

"You run a risk of really engendering the wrath of the jury. At the same time, Feldman knows that the parents withheld information from the police that may have affected the facts of the case. If he doesn’t probe into that, he’s disservicing his client," said Colin Murray, who was a San Diego prosecutor from 1993 to 2000 and is now in private practice. "He has to go for it."

Feldman’s most pointed questions last week concerned two women who visited the family home on Feb. 1, the night Danielle disappeared. Both Damon and Brenda van Dam acknowledged that on several previous occasions they had sex with the women and their male partners in the family home.

The line of questioning moved Damon van Dam to bang his head against the witness box in frustration during one break and his wife flushed deep red and wiped away tears as she answered.

Westerfield

"He’s throwing these lurid details out there to say that maybe someone in this group, these people they associated with, [killed Danielle] in some sort of sex ritual or child sex ring," said Jan Ronis, a criminal defense lawyer in San Diego.

Feldman’s focus on the van Dam’s sexual practices may also be an attempt to brunt the impact of child pornography found on Westerfield’s computer. Prosecutors say the images indicate that Westerfield was a pedophile, but his lawyers say most of the sexual images on his computer were of adult women.

"What’s he’s saying to the jury is, 'You are being asked to convict my client based on this motive — that he looks at porn — and these people by their own admission are engaging in pornography," said San Diego defense lawyer Gretchen von Helms.

San Diego juries are traditionally more conservative than other urban areas, lawyers following the case say, and some panelists may more shocked by the van Dams admissions than trial observers across the country.

"There are people in San Diego who would just be so offended by the smoking pot let alone the sex part," said Ronis. The first juror seated said during jury selection that she had concerns about Brenda van Dam’s conduct. That juror has taken near constant notes on the sexual testimony even when other panelists have put down their pens.

Curt Owen, who represented child killer Brandon Wilson when he was sentenced to death in 1999, said he doubted Feldman’s approach would work in gaining an acquittal, but might help Westerfield avoid the death penalty.

"It would diminish victim impact," said Owen, noting that along with the defendant’s criminal history and upbringing jurors deciding whether a defendant will get death or life imprisonment can also consider how a murder affected survivors. "Jurors might look at the family and say something smells bad here."

Prosecutor Jeff Dusek is clearly close to the van Dam family — he enveloped Brenda van Dam in a bear hug after she began crying during a break in testimony — but did little to help the couple while they were individually cross-examined.

Dusek made few objections as Feldman pressed them about their extramarital sexual relations.

"How can he defend swinging and pot? He can’t," said Ronis.

A flush-faced Damon van Dam glanced at Dusek repeatedly as if looking for help when Feldman asked him about having intercourse with women other than his wife. Dusek, however, stared at the defense table.

"If you are Jeff, you basically grit your teeth and bear it. It’s a painful day," said Murray, the former prosecutor. "If you make too many objections, [the jurors] think it’s a bigger deal than it is."

Given a chance to rehabilitate the van Dams on redirect examination, Dusek asked simply if the female visitors to the home that night had taken Danielle when they left.

No, both parents said.

The van Dams were perhaps their own best defenders. Their heartbreak was evident as they talked about their daughter. And as they led jurors through the day leading up to Danielle’s disappearance, they came across as responsible parents. They read to Danielle and her brothers every night and set strict rules about where their children could play and with whom.

Even in describing behavior many people would find disturbing for parents, Owen said, they showed themselves to be considerate of the children's well-being. He cited Damon van Dam’s testimony that he had switched the lock on the garage door so that his children could not walk in on him when he and his wife were smoking pot.

"That shows some sensitivity and responsibility to their children," said Owen.

And both parents conveyed that the intimate questions were irksome but ultimately irrelevant.

"None of this matters," said Brenda van Dam near the end of her testimony.

Her husband said, "I have opened my life up — every detail — to try to get my daughter back and now to get justice for her."